It’s been a while since I wrote and it’s not because I don’t have anything in my mind but maybe because I have way too much to think about.
I have had a great pregnancy with my first son which created the false sense that every pregnancy must be like that. Now, pregnant with my second son I am feeling very different. After the first three months of morning sickness I started to feel the physical strain, unable to exercise, walk or even properly care for my 2 year old, like lift him up or run after him. This made me feel like a totally useless person and mom, and I felt more and more down mentally. Trying to keep up the spirit with traveling and surrounding myself with family helped a bit on my mood though.
Next week I’m stepping into my third trimester, our apartment is way too small, I bought nothing for the baby yet, I washed no baby clothes, I’m nowhere near getting my hospital bag ready, my 2 year old tries me every possible way to see my emotional and physical limits and every day I struggle not to cry or feel like I will break apart.
At the same time the guilt of feeling this way is killing me, I should be so thankful after two pregnancy losses that I am even able to be pregnant, that I can travel and have fantastic family all over the world. Yet I still have a hard time being happy, or to be correct it comes in waves. I’m anxious, scared, don’t feel prepared and generally unsatisfied with myself and what I achieved with my life. I feel like crying way too often. I feel like I fail people around me, and I do not feel like I’m a good mom either, even though this was one thing I’ve always been proud of.
But what is this feeling? So strong I cannot ignore, but I want to put behind me as soon as possible? Like a dark cloud, giving shadow and chill on a lovely, sunny spring day, and there is no wind to blow it away. Is it natural pregnancy hormones playing with me? A simple panic most people get before welcoming their babies? Regular mood swings that will fix itself later? A mid-life crisis?
Or is it something that should be addressed? I don’t know yet, but I definitely think it’s an advantage to be aware. I don’t feel like I need help currently, I feel like I want to solve this alone, it’s hard to talk about it, it’s so much easier and therapeutic for me to write.
So I will just write for now and I will wait and see where this leads. Take one breath at a time, keeping my head above water and see if I can make it to shore.